the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
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Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
He’s dead
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials