Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
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*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude