I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
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My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks