95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
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ATMs should have breathalyzers
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I have so many questions.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
me irl
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together