Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
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A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Perfect
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..