This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
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I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words