Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
You Might Also Like
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.