There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.