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My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
yes, those are my real potatoes.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it