[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
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Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I’ve been learning to cook.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Sheep
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT