Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
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Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Every time my phone rings
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Legend 🤣🤣
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.