The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
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drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
#Caturday
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.