how do y’all walk in shallow water
You Might Also Like
Happy Friday
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
A man of commitment.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.