going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
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Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
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Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.