[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
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Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*