my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
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Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Ghost costume 😂
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
whenever i wake up before my alarm
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”