9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
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*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
and now we wait
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
This checks out
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat