Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
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When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One