I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
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A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Great game to play with friends
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
how long have you had this for?
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?