It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
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“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Merry Christmas
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.