Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
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“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
New Tinder profile.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.