[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
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[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found