My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
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The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Great Canadian literature.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.