BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
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I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Golf would be better with landmines.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’