Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
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Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
how much for the angry fruit?
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.