So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
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Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
They got Raph!
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah