You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
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KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”