It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
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Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.