Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
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An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
This is sending me to another galaxy
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.