I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
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FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
tourist season
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile