My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
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I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Has there ever been a more American story?
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me