STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
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Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
when revenge coincides with naptime
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.