Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
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genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face