[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
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I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows