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Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Krampus.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence