6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
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Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?