I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
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I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?