I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
You Might Also Like
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Are you dating a bunch of bees?