its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
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A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I am, perchance
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge