I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
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[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen