My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
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You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
When you kidnap a writer.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
oh shit
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.