I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
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Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”