You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
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After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
how to exercise your calf muscles
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown