Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
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[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia