My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
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“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.