sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
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Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I’m more of a homeless romantic.