Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
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I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
back to work
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.