You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
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Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
broke down and did it
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next