Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
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Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Yup.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
What about a To-Don’t List?
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor