If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
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I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
don’t be scared
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale